Still Mom

It came, it went, it is.

I am, shall always be a mom.

Mother’s Day, despite cheesy Hallmark passages, overpriced yet underwhelming brunches, always sincere in my eyes. My Mom and I used to joke about this holiday. Sarcastically I’d say,”Well Mom, here’s a card, corsage and brunch for you cause it’s Mother’s Day and it’s the day I gotta make a fuss…” Point being, there needn’t be a special occasion to honor Mom: she and I both knew how loving and special out relationship was – never an ounce of obligation to make a fuss over her.

And with my girls, the estrangement and all, I now, just now, feel my own maternal instincts kicking in. Only this time those instincts are solid, more grounded, sincere, undeniably loving and real. Loving my children, never in question. It’s now evident, the time spent dealing with ME, I’m strong enough to now put myself aside and be there, I mean TRULY PRESENT for my kids.

I see Mom’s who seem to have their shit together. Whether single, divorced, their relationship with their children remains in tact. Over comparisons, I made horrible mistakes yet not a horrible person. And I made those horrible choices due to my OWN unhappiness, not because of my kids.

In time, a better person, a better Mother, a better thinker. My own mother’s death, the demise of my marriage, forcing the issue at hand: time to REALLY grow up, kid. Face your own reality, deal, cope. Live with acceptance what you can not change, embrace what you can – yourself. For there is no other way, none with meaning, none with the authenticity of love. I shall never accept estrangement but I must cope. It is my choice to do so. No wallowing anymore, feeling sorry for myself, new realizations of my frailties, what I can not change, what I can – myself. In doing so, a complete, more whole human being.

Through my tears today, I smiled. I smiled thinking about my beautiful children, the young adults they’ve become, their own evolution. And in this way, it was a Happy Mother’s Day. I am, after all, still a Mom.

About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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