Acceptance

The evolution continues, changes move within; slowly, at times with caution, that fine line between safety and protection, the other, new courage I feel to speak the truth about my current life.

Several short months from now it will be two years since I’ve been in the same room with either one of my adult daughters. Texting here and there on occasion, emails sporadic, the reaching out to connect… an email from my oldest last fall- her deeply anguished angry plea that I stay away, no more contact – to this past January, my younger daughter, her own separate anguished plea to please let her go, no more gifts, offerings or any sort of contact.

I am clueless. Both have told me so. I am a psychopath. Both have told me so. I am not well, I am a sick individual. I am a mom by blood only. They no longer know me or wish to know me as I am today. They have said their respective goodbyes.

Time for Acceptance

It is important to remember – to acknowledge their feelings. It is important to accept those feelings and move on. Closer now to acceptance, grieving feels different from before though its outcome very much still unknown. I can not change how my daughters feel. They see and feel what they see and feel. I have set them free to feel safe.

I am no longer clueless. Perhaps I say this a lot more than I realize but it’s important I continue recognizing this.  I am well on my way – a strong woman who has come to full-on grips of who she was, is now and who she is becoming. As I learn I share. No two experiences are exactly alike though there are similar threads of humanity. Falling into the dark hole, once as prevalent as each breath taken, now subside as I better understand the triggers I must watch out for.  A trigger can be as simple as a popular song on the radio or more complex like observing my friends’ beautiful relationship with their adult children. What I hope to do more than ever is to never see anyone go through the pain and anguish I have endured, as has my entire family.  Sacrificing my children due to the way my divorce played out is the last thing I would’ve ever expected. There are consequences to actions. Each decision breeds an outcome, some desired, some not so much. No longer do I feel the need to explain my actions for I’m at the point of forgiving myself and have learned the true nature of what self-compassion contains. Only for my girls do I need to express my remorse. If and when that day comes, I will be ready.

I will say this: unhappy marriages begin with unhappy selves. Contemplate deep within yourself before looking at the imperfections of your life-partner. Gaze into your own first. It will hurt like hell, pain you probably never quite felt before. Yet by doing so, you will have saved yourself  – your personhood – before completely drowning.  There is so much goodness in you. Look to that as well. You will begin to embrace and celebrate new-found insight and self-growth. You will begin to give back more openly, without shame or trepidation. Fear is real. You will combat it. It’s not easy but you can face it. Please don’t look to others first for validation. It’s useless energy and easily distracts from knowing the core of who you are. 

Wishing you peace as life’s journey moves onward….thanks for your continued reading, dear viewer.

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Perseverance, Baby, Perseverance

About 2 weeks ago I thought my daughter blocked me on Facebook. She and I have remained ‘friends’ throughout our estrangement despite her choice to not contact me. For several hours, each time I tried to look her up I couldn’t locate her. I didn’t see her name on our 65 shared friends’ pages. I became quietly frantic. Then I got mad. And I unfriended her. Like a spoiled child – there, take that. Only not spoiled, simply hurt – the reminder that she and I are not in contact at all, merely the illusion through social media. Hey, I’ll take it. A few days ago, I saw her page. Just like that it appeared on a mutual friends’ page. My heart sunk. Had I not been as impulsive would she and I still be connected on FB? Did she intend to block me on purpose then reboot her page? Ugh. I can’t think this way for it will place me in the land of stagnation. I no longer live there. So yesterday I humbly sent her a friend request. 

Some days patience is like breathing. I feel it settle in my soul; peacefully it enters, scattered throughout my being, it feels as if I shall never feel the anxiety of what happens next in my life. It’s a wonderful feeling, so new. This – I have now experienced. This – I know happens. This – can change without precedence. 

Perseverance comes when inner peace is rattled. It is then I am uncertain when I shall feel patient once again. During this time, I feel stronger for moving forward, not remaining where I am today. The fact that any change happens is good in my Book of Perseverance. I’ve learned that perseverance is only a gateway to the future. One must persevere in order to experience patience. 

Though I have gotten through one of the most painful episodes regarding the estrangement over 3 weeks ago, mentally much healthier since, my body feels ragged and torn. Fighting a cold, perhaps, the Advil helps, though I can’t help but think body and mind are always intertwined. Two lovely women I know are sick. They may be very sick as they wait for test results. In the midst of my estrangement, I feel a new strength building within me. I bought these beautiful ladies each a coloring book. Silly, yet they color the world with their beautiful spirits. The pain I am enduring leads me to help others. I want to be strong in ways not yet discovered.

I may not get my friend request anytime soon. This does not diminish my love nor my patience moving forward, wondering what, when, if, how, my girls come back into my life. To persevere means pressing on despite obstacles. I am pressing on. Bring on more Advil please.