Gotta Love Insight

There’s a warmth in the air around me, as if transition is happening once again. It feels radiant and clear. 

Celebrating my mom’s birthday this week has somehow released more fear, sadness and anxiety; replaced with renewed hope, peace and an extra dose of gratitude. I seriously believe I would not be where I am today if mom hadn’t died over 2 years ago. And it wasn’t until this week I feel her with me. Sincerely feel her embrace me. People kept telling me “she’s right there with you” but there was nothing. I talked to her yet couldn’t feel her presence. This new awakening has made me pause, reflect and become lighter.

Let’s face it, most of this journal is dismal at best. I write as I feel and at the beginning of my journey here, there was a women in such pain with herself, she decided to express some of her disconnect in words. Unfortunately, that pain was also directed in completely unhealthy ways as well. Once I was so determined to accept my unhealthy behavior of looking to other guys for validation when all along, it’s always been about me. Only me. Not my father, mother, ex-husband, children, long-term friends, family or any one man can make me feel I’m worthy and a good person. I was willing to accept that I could not change, that this part of me was truly broken. I believed I was broken. In many ways I was. I accept that. Though I was not broken, I was sick. I was depressed. I didn’t know how much deeper that depression would get, had no idea the extent of pain of what was to come.

Today, if I start sounding a little more like a Hallmark card, perhaps I’ll understand why. Pain is as real as breathing, yet so is joy. I have lived both in tandem and separately. Let there be more beauty to express, the yin to my yang, the joy to my sorrow, the sometimes cheesy platitudes to my over analytical mind and blubbering heart. I’m still here, in my journal. This is my story. I am alive.

 

Intimacy: Larger Than Life

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How can it be that this magnificent ocean be so vast yet incredibly intimate at the same time? The beach, its sounds, fragrance, still my sanctuary, the place where my healing continues.

My fears of what I felt in the past slowly dissolve as I come to terms with who I am. And to say such a thing, I grapple with the selfish insinuation of this statement. “Who I am” – as if I’m nothing more than a teen in angst. This is not so. This is me. This is my life. We all have the opportunity to allow for growth and self-introspection. I am doing so with the purpose of giving back in ways not yet discovered.

Why is intimacy within ourselves so painful. The reality of who we were need not be marred by who we are today. I am learning to define myself based on nothing but merely me – a lone, single individual. No longer a wife, a stay-at-home mother, the loss of who I was, no longer there. Loss of my mom, my father-in-law, marriage, estrangement of children, safety of suburbia, everything I sought to for safety, to feel needed and appreciated….gone.

This is my truth, my reality. It is not an end, it’s my new beginning. And no longer marred by fear – the fear of disapproval from others, my motivation now based on the belief I am solid, a worthwhile person.

The journey continues, as does writing. I hope to reopen my blog again soon – to share my story for those who need comfort, solace, peace. Divorce, the most painful decision of my life, also, the beauty of discovery for without the pain there can be no joy. My joy, as my pain is mine to keep. They are a part of me, who I am.