The Stranger: Part Two – Familiarity of Self, of Love

Towards the end of the marriage, husband and wife became strangers to each other. How can this be when for so long we were the best of friends? As I dismantle the numerous knots, new insights emerge – at times, repeating myself, only because I am beginning to cope and live through the aftermath post-divorce. I like this feeling. It feels liberating, at the cusp of more empowerment I desire and need moving forward. All of these feelings, fairly new, learning to sit with them, allowing myself to simply feel.

At the same time, it is Christmas Day. Many sweet memories of our Christmases together, husband and wife as well as la familia. Time moves on, those memories etched in sync within balance of my new-found joy today. I am grateful for those memories.

The ability to change fascinates me as I learn to connect with myself.

I’ve changed, yet not into a new person – I’m now emerging into the person I’ve always been. Did it take something as monumental as a divorce to do complete this? Why now? Why, post-divorce do I feel more familiar with myself and not during my marriage?

The mind is magnificent.

I believe we are all capable of change. I believe we are all capable of acting upon choices. I believe we must learn to trust ourselves long before we love another. I believe in committed relationships. I believe in self-care, self-responsibility and self-compassion, self-forgiveness.

The more tolerant of others, the less judgmental I become. I do not ask or expect others in my life to uphold my beliefs nor look for their validation as I once did.

How my children will know their mother now, I don’t know. I miss them more than can adequately express. What I do know: I am the most complete I’ve ever felt, yet so much more to come. All the years loving, supporting, caring for my girls – immensely real, genuine, truly who I was – am. The other part which now emerges is simply the discovery to allow myself to be. This part was squelched the last years of my marriage. Not his doing, just mis-matched. I tried so hard to fit…into him. Yet I’ve let go of my gatekeeper to my girls – their dad. Letting go of their dad, healing continues as I don’t need him to reach the girls. This will happen in its own time, its own way. I’m learning I love my girls in ways like no other. A mother’s love is like no other. As I nourish self-love, my love for them feels healthier, more grounded.

On this day, the second Christmas spent without my girls, while they may see me a stranger, my love for them flourishes. I’m learning there is more to life than simply loving. It is in giving, actual LIVING one prevails. It is what I can do – the only thing I can do for my girls right now. As I live more authentically, the person I am, so too – eventually, will they begin to understand my reasons for leaving their dad and not them – no longer a stranger, rather, the loving mother they always knew, only now in her entirety.

Holidays: Reject, Reflect, Rejoice

Wanna know a sign of moving forward with great aplomb? Seeing the future with less emphasis of the past. 

During my continued quest for enlightenment, a new discovery appeared today, a day of reflection as it is Christmas. I have come far in one short year. Further to go, the pace of which I travel, its movement more brisk this past month, the yearning to grow that more powerful. Feelings of self-doubt fade, replaced with empowerment, a sense of calmness, the slow entry of new normalcy.

The past can eat one alive. If not careful, too much time reflecting on the past, one might just miss something so brilliant and wonderful even when staring smack-dab in front of their face. Reflection is the easy shit, though also important in one’s progress of self-discovery. Letting go of the past? That’s the tough shit. ¬†Rejection curtails the temptation of crawling back to safe familiarity. Let’s face it – no matter how painful the past may be, to let go completely, the uncertainty of those consequences, too much to bear, thus, holding on leads to a false sense of security. We cling to the past, good or bad, because we know it. We’ve been there…there’s no possibility for change. The past has already happened.¬†

Once averse to change of the most elementary level, I am allowing myself to recognize past negative behaviors, reflect, finally rejecting it altogether. Again, the tough shit. I’m getting tougher, less emphasis on what’s already happened. It’s DONE. Getting rid of it. Rejecting the negative past. Embracing the positive future.

Rejoice in the freedom of rejection for that’s how I know I am moving forward. Rejoice in knowing I have come far, have further to go, more to give, more to receive, more to reject, more to rejoice. Instead, I take hold, the constant motion of life, the flux of change, the possibility of tomorrow.