Divorce, death, estrangement, life: welcome to it.
Like a gigantic physical wound, the levels of pain, at one time, excruciatingly intolerable, slowly transitions, the pain, still deeply entrenched though subsides more deliberately over time. I have come to this – my own conclusion: there is no conclusion, there is evolution. All done in our own time, I am beyond grateful for this time.
Aside from the continual Hallmark metaphors reeling in my mind of late (sarcasm IS a big component of me, ya know) love, REAL GENUINE LOVE becomes me. Like a satisfying chunky peanut butter sandwich smothered with apricot preserves, what comfort us is ours and we own those moments. It’s taken a lifetime (well, MY lifetime of 50+ years thus far) to feel in tune with myself. It’s also taken tremendous loss, pain, crisis and monumental introspection. There are no short cuts.
I’ve written my girls, sent days ago, the letters written as authentically as their mom now lives and I am comforted by love. My heart is healing. Always loving my daughters, the love I feel today, not quite explainable this moment…as I told them – fierce and readily unconditional. It is how my mom loved me. LOVE – always there, never whole, pieces missing, unsettled peacefulness, I now understand the complexities. Motherhood – THE most empowering kind of love, how could estrangement happen when that love is so fierce? I love my children so much, why would I not protect them from harm and pain of the choices I made? For if loving then as I do, would I have not gone to whatever length to have made better decisions? Make the sound decision to simply divorce their dad in lieu of affairs? Did I not think these decisions would affect their hearts, the core of who they are and wish to become? These questions, so pervasive, harrowing, unanswerable, I choose to let go, for they no longer serve any purpose. Self-punishment runneth over. It is never too late to learn from mistakes, gain new insight, make necessary changes and carry on – a better person.
LOVE – how I wish I wish I had fallen in love with myself as a younger woman, a younger mom. Loving oneself treads deeper than that: it must include a sense of self, the yearning to always learn when to accept who we are, to experience gratitude to evolve. I am on a new path, a renewal to give back, whatever that entails. My heart is open to love others as I love myself.
While I still struggle with feelings of shame, sorrow, loss, the fear of transition dissipates. Feelings of unworthiness, more prevalent than ever recognized before my divorce, I am shedding old cognitive patterns, appreciating the goodness of my true self. It is not narcissistic to love oneself. It is humane.