The shock and disruption of divorce can not be overstated. It is like death with life attached; the navigation is a free-for-all, there are no immediate bearings to hold on to. The aftermath of my divorce, the experience resonates within and I am in awe I am in my own skin. Divorce does not define who I am – rather, who I am defines divorce – my divorce. Each is different. I am but one of many divorced middle-aged women seeking new understanding, moving forward, living life with new perspectives. The fact I am estranged from my daughters adds another layer, a separate component I’m learning to cope with.
Without my divorce, who would I be? The same woman, fearful of speaking up, afraid to voice her convictions? Who knew she had a voice worth actually using? Approaching the first anniversary of my divorce, I’m no longer this woman. I am my true self. I remember feeling so repressed, not sexually or even emotionally. Repression came in the form of fear. Marriage contributed to that fear, though its imprint was made years previous to a marital agreement. I had no idea the level, the depth and scope of this fear. One learns to compensate, adjust, deny, ignore. Divorce awakens the soul.
I believe I’ve FINALLY figured out my definition of what being a free spirit means. I’ve always been a free spirit. As my former husband and I grew older, that free spirit dissolved. I remember times when I would express myself, have fun, my uninhibited laughter; at which my ex would see this behavior as childish and irresponsible. I would then retreat, question my behavior: “Am I irresponsible? Having fun, is that childish?” It wasn’t always this way. It grew slowly. Easy to miss. When does something like this happen? Why did I not see this in myself? Yet I did see. I just wasn’t paying attention. Divorce awakens the mind.
Despite the pain endured from the estrangement I’ve rediscovered the joys of having fun, to laugh more freely, allow myself to feel alive and not bad about feeling alive. Divorce awakens new-found freedoms.
Hope all are finding their own peace. xx