It has come to this:
Unhappy in my marriage, longing for acceptance, hungry for a nurturing kind of love, I made choices that were not healthy for me. I rebelled. I chose to rebel in the form of affairs. Of course rebellion was latent – fits perfectly in my own personal timeline, always a bit off course. This, however, has proven to be more a blessing than a curse for I am living as the person I’m most at peace with.
Don’t ignore awareness. Don’t ignore your little voice. Pay attention to unhappiness. Pay attention to your own personal development. Pay attention to self-respect. Pay attention to the people who bring you joy.
Not everything in life is neat and tidy, especially when one doesn’t have much of an identity at fifty-plus years. This came to pass during one of my therapy sessions this past April. Beyond my long-term marriage, beyond my chronological years, the discovery of my own identity, finally coming to fruition. I had no idea how lost I was.
Eight months since, the divorce dust settles and clarity rises, more insight unleashed.
And in the end, I am me. So simple, pure, true. And so painful getting here. That said, much to look forward to. I have learned a new appreciation for human tolerance, the evolution of patience, empowerment of loving. I will come out of my closet here at some point. No longer anonymous, no longer shameful of my past, my hope is to touch others, to share my story, to help those who share similar threads of experience, who may be estranged from their own adult children, who made the decision to step out of their marriages and seek an affair; to understand it takes courage, real balls to leave a long-term marriage on their own terms, their own reasons, regardless of what other people may think.
The accusers remain, some more prominent than others. I do not need their acceptance or approval nor will I succumb to a world shrouded in shame. Another shift in my personal development.
I am not the center of the universe. I am a woman who discovered herself. I am a women in love. I am a woman who loves. I am a woman who gives. I am me.