Perseverance, Baby, Perseverance

About 2 weeks ago I thought my daughter blocked me on Facebook. She and I have remained ‘friends’ throughout our estrangement despite her choice to not contact me. For several hours, each time I tried to look her up I couldn’t locate her. I didn’t see her name on our 65 shared friends’ pages. I became quietly frantic. Then I got mad. And I unfriended her. Like a spoiled child – there, take that. Only not spoiled, simply hurt – the reminder that she and I are not in contact at all, merely the illusion through social media. Hey, I’ll take it. A few days ago, I saw her page. Just like that it appeared on a mutual friends’ page. My heart sunk. Had I not been as impulsive would she and I still be connected on FB? Did she intend to block me on purpose then reboot her page? Ugh. I can’t think this way for it will place me in the land of stagnation. I no longer live there. So yesterday I humbly sent her a friend request. 

Some days patience is like breathing. I feel it settle in my soul; peacefully it enters, scattered throughout my being, it feels as if I shall never feel the anxiety of what happens next in my life. It’s a wonderful feeling, so new. This – I have now experienced. This – I know happens. This – can change without precedence. 

Perseverance comes when inner peace is rattled. It is then I am uncertain when I shall feel patient once again. During this time, I feel stronger for moving forward, not remaining where I am today. The fact that any change happens is good in my Book of Perseverance. I’ve learned that perseverance is only a gateway to the future. One must persevere in order to experience patience. 

Though I have gotten through one of the most painful episodes regarding the estrangement over 3 weeks ago, mentally much healthier since, my body feels ragged and torn. Fighting a cold, perhaps, the Advil helps, though I can’t help but think body and mind are always intertwined. Two lovely women I know are sick. They may be very sick as they wait for test results. In the midst of my estrangement, I feel a new strength building within me. I bought these beautiful ladies each a coloring book. Silly, yet they color the world with their beautiful spirits. The pain I am enduring leads me to help others. I want to be strong in ways not yet discovered.

I may not get my friend request anytime soon. This does not diminish my love nor my patience moving forward, wondering what, when, if, how, my girls come back into my life. To persevere means pressing on despite obstacles. I am pressing on. Bring on more Advil please.

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About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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