Wall goes up, wall goes down.
For years I’ve updated status’, shared tweets, posted holiday photos and Facebook chatted with many friends. Soon after the divorce was announced last February, my older daughter immediately blocked me on Facebook. (Ironic, as she was the one who happily encouraged me to join, helping her non-hip Mom back in the day, 2007). As for my younger daughter, we remain friends. Well, this is Facebook. “Friends” is a relative term, family or not. She and I are able to see each other’s posts, photos and links shared on our respective walls. Through Facebook I found she started a blog. When I first started reading her posts, of course I read every word, proudly displaying my very own likes on her page. Soon thereafter I pulled back, hesitant that she would mistakenly think my likes were of a manipulative nature. Ugh. Why can’t I just be ME on Facebook?
As it so happens, last night I saw she posted a photo of her and her best friend’s mom – just the two to them. That photo did me in. Happy she has found refuge and comfort in her second family, seeing her sweet smile, joyfully standing next to another mother, another reality she has chosen to remove me from her life. To add to this pain are other so-called friends of mine, liking her photo as if to say, “good for you, that you are moving on, finding solace in people like Mrs. Friend – who can be like a second mother to you.” Angry and hurt, I deactivated my account. (Let me be clear: there is a great difference between deactivation and deletion. Deleting is just that – delete your account and all content shall disappear. Deactivating one’s account shall be done temporarily – one may reactivate their account at any time, pending the same email and password still in tact. Reactivation is my new best friend of late)
Try as I might, I tire thinking about myself, how all the pain felt is MINE. THEY, my beautiful daughters have been hurt beyond anything they would’ve ever imagined. What they thought was real, they question. Kinda like Facebook…what is real, what is a facade? I need to be myself, whether online or not. Right now, I’m more myself whilst away from the realm of social media. Whatever is going on in their lives, hearts, minds, I am not privileged to know. It is not my place. And perhaps the photos on Facebook are their way of telling the world “I am OK. Despite the pain and hurt endured by our fractured family, I am happy.” If they can be happy without me in their lives, how am I to do the same without them? I am moving on, finding my own peace and happiness in ways I didn’t realize existed. Yet, I am unable or unwilling to let them go….yet. Can’t go there. But I can deactivate, get off the grid awhile in order to regain strength in myself, sans all the “likes” and “friends.” Let’s just see how long I can stay away from that smile of hers….