How can it be that this magnificent ocean be so vast yet incredibly intimate at the same time? The beach, its sounds, fragrance, still my sanctuary, the place where my healing continues.
My fears of what I felt in the past slowly dissolve as I come to terms with who I am. And to say such a thing, I grapple with the selfish insinuation of this statement. “Who I am” – as if I’m nothing more than a teen in angst. This is not so. This is me. This is my life. We all have the opportunity to allow for growth and self-introspection. I am doing so with the purpose of giving back in ways not yet discovered.
Why is intimacy within ourselves so painful. The reality of who we were need not be marred by who we are today. I am learning to define myself based on nothing but merely me – a lone, single individual. No longer a wife, a stay-at-home mother, the loss of who I was, no longer there. Loss of my mom, my father-in-law, marriage, estrangement of children, safety of suburbia, everything I sought to for safety, to feel needed and appreciated….gone.
This is my truth, my reality. It is not an end, it’s my new beginning. And no longer marred by fear – the fear of disapproval from others, my motivation now based on the belief I am solid, a worthwhile person.
The journey continues, as does writing. I hope to reopen my blog again soon – to share my story for those who need comfort, solace, peace. Divorce, the most painful decision of my life, also, the beauty of discovery for without the pain there can be no joy. My joy, as my pain is mine to keep. They are a part of me, who I am.