To Be Selfish Is To Be Me

She holds a lot in. Emotional constipation. Eventually she let’s it out and all is grand, another part of her is reborn: contentment and happiness reappear again and she understands herself a little bit more.

I am speaking of my kid. And I know this to be true from her father, who in his divine intervention shares that he and our kid had their own come-to-Jesus discussion tonight and then proceeds to text me how much happier the kid is when she let’s it all out.

Still holding on to….what?

The letter I’ve written, I don’t know when, if or ever I should mail it. Thoughts of my girls not needing me permeate my brain and I can’t let go of them.

Yet I remain selfish. Try as I might, my gratitude escapes me right now because I am removed. Tonight I feel sorry for myself. I hate when I feel this way. God, I hate it.  

In addition, the man I love continues his reconnection with his own children and while I am happy for him as well, again, I am selfish for I want what he has. Just seems like he has greater control over his situation than I ever did. He’s had his share of pain, no doubt. Don’t we all? Hell, I made my own pain and didn’t even realize I was doing it. He has gently, quietly removed himself enough to where his children are now coming around on their own terms in their own time. In truth, this is causing me more pain than I realize or willing to admit. Selfish of me? Yep. 

I want what my ex has. I want what every loving parent has;  divorced, separated or married: a loving relationship with their adult children. What hurts a lot is my constant encouragement of both dads; their respective relationships with their kids and how little I get in return as I have no relationship in which to work with. Yep, that’s selfish too.

When people talk about divorce, the pain of it, the financial depletion of funds, mediation, court proceedings, even then, if there remains a bond with one’s children, no matter how slight or fragile, be grateful there is a connection at all.

As I sit here, once again in tears, I’m thinking only of myself. So yeah, sometimes I’m selfish. Maybe it’s good to be selfish every now and then. At least it’s honest. I don’t think I’ve been honest enough with myself. I try and remain as grateful as possible for my collective experience, what I’ve accomplished as a human being, as gratitude is so much healthier and the right thing to do. I’m not there all the time. I hold a lot of my real feelings in and this is my own doing. This is who I am. I am growing, changing. I’m learning to live with my loss until and/or unless reconciliation. Tomorrow will be a little brighter.  For now, tonight, goddamnit, it fucking hurts.

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About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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