New energy has taken a twist of late. Despite my ever-dreaded insomnia the last week or so, life has new meaning: steps towards reunification with daughters has begun.
It Starts with an Email…
Ok, so I copied and pasted it to 3 separate therapists. Spark notes for long-term marriage and divorce don’t exist, hence, the splendor and usefulness of bullet points can not be over exaggerated. Tonight, off they go, into the iCloud above the heavens, my first step in seeking help and support in reconnecting with my young adult children. Conclusion to the story, while evident in finality of divorce, what remains open is the relationship with my kids, no such ending in close sight. Be that as it may, there is a renewed sense of empowerment, optimism in the air. I help to create that. Optimism – it’s a choice.
But, what if….?
Letting go of doubt is not easy. Both kids clearly do not want to see me, this I know. What else they are feeling, thinking day-to-day, pure speculation. Tiring of assumptions, next week, more change as I venture ahead. Pain yet still deep, I am determined to do what’s necessary for them, just as much as for me. I find myself constantly justifying that the kids come first, as if putting myself before them is somehow selfish on my part, that it’s all about me. This is about me. This is about them. This is about family, love, connecting, understanding, forgiving others, forgiving ourselves. This is about peace, gratitude and doing what’s right. Mistakes, oh how we let them dictate behaviors…moving beyond reactionary, I now see a future of reunification, of healing. I simply can not do it alone. And that’s OK. No need to. Just gotta reach out and ask.