Navigating the Push and Pull of Estrangement

It’s been over six months since we’ve been under the same roof. No longer toddlers, their growth not physically apparent, I think about their emotional development, what that might look like; their perspectives, opinions, insights. Most of all, I simply miss them.

With each step forward, feelings of hope and optimism heighten, my strength gathers momentum and I am certain to reunite with my kids at some point.

Coping with estrangement, the most painful experience ever felt, one can not describe the kind of emptiness inside. They are young adults. Most assuredly, they lives are evolving regardless of dissolution of their parents’ marriage. Talking with a friend of mine today, she shared her own natural evolution with her young adult children, new roles replacing more familiar ones. Different needs between mother and daughter, once just that, now as friends, more as peers. There are no specific time tables in which one should follow – these relationships have their own rhythm created by their own specific beat.

Despite better days, set-backs occur and I fall back, hollow space inside which can never be fulfilled with anything other than them. Thus, I have decided to seek help, to talk and connect with several therapists, reaching out, asking for help. What I truly seek is one of an advocate. One who believes in the healing process, the power of what healing can bring to a family, a person, a soul. There is a great deal of isolation that comes with estrangement. Loving friends, family, all so supportive, it is not easy to comfort one in my situation. “They’ll (the kids) eventually come around.” “They just need time, they’re very hurt and angry.” And my favorite, “You’re still their Mom.”

Well meaning, I understand this sentiment. It is the believing I struggle with. But as said before, this is not about me. I continue to understand what is best for them, search and gain insight – what they need from me. Not today, tomorrow, or even next year. My life moves forward; my friends, family, my own happiness no longer put on hold, I have made deliberate and mindful decisions which will allow the clarity needed in doing just this. There is no ease in the healing process. The rewards are gained intrinsically. Reconciling with my kids is the most tantamount issue in my life. Other than caring for myself, nothing is more important, takes precedent. I am gauging a new path to reunification. 

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About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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