“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” ~ William Shakespeare
Seven days until dissolution complete. A most incredible experience, the journey carries on, each feeling absorbed more deeply, each thought a snapshot of the past, the here and now. The future, uncertain, though isn’t this true for most? Uncertainty, once feared, ready to embrace, seize opportunities, continuity of exploration, new mistakes to be made.
Leaving myself, not my family…
When asking when it was I left my family, how it really happened, he answered “When you said yes to your lover.” Like the pierce of a steely knife, my heart sliced once again, reminiscent of my past, what brought me here, my own resolve still an evolution. While I don’t necessarily agree with my friends’ assessment, the point is clear: had I truly thought of my family, I would never have walked through that door. I did not put my family first. More importantly, I did not put myself first. For those looking in from the outer rim, their vision; a self-serving individual merely interested in her self. Yet, the irony of it all….there was no self. Nary an excuse for such decisions, I continue coming clean with who I am. I chose that door, yes, not realizing the ramifications; rather a woman making a break for it, running away from herself, her pain, her SELF. No sense can possibly be made for the consequences of these actions. I think the main point to share is that as a woman of much greater strength, I now see the person I was, the person I am becoming…my desire for authenticity and genuineness, greater than ever and a new awakening on the threshold of resolve.
Doubt, no doubt, truly are our traitors. My inner voice, faint in the past, I listen more closely. More audible, visual, I am learning to pay attention. No more time for unconsciousness. Or doubt. Time is of the essence. It must be nurtured, appreciated, harvested and embraced. Not for what was but for the gift of what time allows: grieving, crying, anger, hurt, inward and outer pain, sadness, gratitude and unlimited love. It is up to each to make a difference in our lives. My inner voice, she does not scream, she simply nudges. Nudging is good. Good to pay attention. Paying attention leads to the road to resolution. I am on my way….