I’m convinced if texting were invented when I first married, my husband and I would be in ever-wedded communication bliss, simply by texting, the preferred venue of choice, best we’re able to converse with each other. Thanks to our respective iPhones, our novels, plenty of gigabytes, megabytes, whatever-bytes..for reasons that baffle, our way of reaching out, attempting to understand each other. Our texting of late, I am more open, at ease, with HIM, with myself. That said, the disconnect, always present and accounted for.
As he and I come to closer to closure to settlement, questions, the “why’s” of our demise rise to the occasion, retrospect, our choice of emotional connection, grasping the what the fuck happened to an otherwise decent and loving 27 year marriage?
And yet, texting does not make a marriage..the disconnect abides, ever-present, more so than ever. Not willing or able to hear me, his defenses appear once again and I am reminded how I got here. His use of the word, “tragic” sucks the life out of me, as I refuse to believe the depth of such tragedy…it is too soon to make such judgements, how “tragic” the demise of our marriage is. Sadness, sorrowful, all of this, though how this plays out for us both has yet to be determined. Our differences evident, profound, even today.
My text to him:
If we were to have figured all of these subtleties out (intimacy, lack of emotional connectedness) then what? How to have foreseen this? Are we to change who we are for the betterment of another? To say it is tragic equals no possibility of hope. I believe you would not connect with me in ways you need…As it is, I’m looking at medical insurance plans…anywhere from $750 to $889 for individual coverage in my age bracket. This is the reality of divorce. I am moving beyond affairs, the validation of others, especially from men, now seeking peace within myself. I have come to terms with the depth of my insecurities, unable to truly understand the level of pain instilled until this experience, my journey over the last two years. That pain continues dissipating and slowly, I become more real, genuine, the most honest I’ve ever been. I share with you as I learn myself. So difficult not to share though not certain its purpose other than to reveal more of my true self with you.
First, I don’t think the demise of our marriage was limited to just these two factors (intimacy issues, lack of emotional connectedness) There were and are many others, but these are two biggies. Second, using the word “tragic” doesn’t imply that both of us have no hope of ever having a healthy happy relationship with someone. However, in our case it is tragic in terms of the amount of time, effort & money we put into our relationship over the years & yet even with all that good will and collective energy, it’s over. That’s what I meant.
Retrospect, demise, the end, it’s over. Healing continues for both of us. And soon…a time to begin anew, with purpose, with hope, fresh perspective. And those texts? Gotta feeling those shall remain as they are – a safe way of connecting our respectful disconnectedness. Welcome to the new world of divorce: conversing through texting, 2012.