Endure. Divide. Conquer.

Retirement Accounts, IRAs, Roths, Deferral Payments, Liquid Accounts, Spousal Support:

All in the Day of Division

Money makes the world go ’round. Until one divorces. Then the buck seriously stops there.

Today I attend another session of mediation, an experience not yet fully comprehended; what seemingly looks agreeable and cohesive on paper, how quickly transparency appears: we are all influenced by money, whether it be material goods or the sheer psychology of how it makes one feel.

Division of assets; parting of dishes, towel sets, book cases and night stands, we find ourselves at the last bastion of dissolution,  the disparaging quandary: spousal support.

And so I sit among papers and documents, online articles, court cases; the upcoming opportunity to defend my position, what I deem fair and just, my own philosophy of money now in question.

How much is enough?

Me: How easily taking care of a father-in-law, role as a caregiver, forgotten. My time as a reentry student in college, all while taking care of two children, husband, household, rarely begrudgingly, a life I loved.

Him: How easily to take for granted, a man dedicated to his family, his work, and extension of who he was and is, the wanting what’s best for his family without question for the day-in-day-out of living, his contribution to the family, as instrumental as I.

Both of us, a working partnership, each an active and attentive participant, choices we both made for ourselves, each other, our family.

Time has been kind to me in many ways. I am now at only the beginning of understanding the importance of ME.

What is the sum of worthiness? 

Time has allowed me the opportunity to question, ask, not so easily give as I’ve done before. Divorce can harden the heart. In my case, it’s made me stronger, the awakening of a voice yet discovered. And I am at the beginning as I am ending.

I make no apologies asking for support as I did at one time. What are all those years of diapers, sticky baby food, birthday parties, happy holidays, laughter in the pool, barbeques with friends…how does one equate a dollar amount to these values?  I need to live. I need money. And I need the monetary support of my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I need time to re-establish my career. I need time to make rational decisions, the time to figure out where I want to be and when. It is easy to discount one’s worthiness after doing so a number of years?

At war….with myself

I do not wish to fight for monetary rights. I am a sane and well-educated woman. Pragmatism suits me just fine, thank you very much. If not heard today, with respect, I shall make the choice to obtain my attorney. It must be done for I will walk away, undermining my self once again. No more, as I am quite proud of who I am becoming. I have endured. I am dividing. I shall conquer. There is no monetary value as such.


About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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