Taking BIG Gulps

Glub, glub, glub….

Just when one thinks all their shit comes closer to fruition, bam! there goes another big gulp. Life is a formation of sorts, not easily put together. Not like some random color by numbers, experiences mold, mesh, fluidity the driving force. All the talk of humility, compassion, down the emotional drain, as one should not be complacent with such matters.

I reached out to their therapist. Like me, an adult woman, her own experiences, children, marriage, wondered what her response would be: how empathetic would she be to my story, my experience? I do not see her for therapy, yet she has been very kind to me and even greater to my girls. Notwithstanding the forces of Hippa compliance, my need to reach out, gather information, to grasp any new knowledge and understanding of estrangement, desperation overcomes rationality. That is, until I gain some composure, now in motion, the rippling of fluidity…

Thus, she wrote, sharing her concern for my plight, my journey deservedly painful. Again, about me. I tire of me, only realizing the importance of me, gaining insight, delving into my psyche – all in preparation of becoming the whole person I long for, thus in turn, a stronger, more solid mother to my children. She wrote with care, sharing the importance of what I need to do: the experience of me taking responsibility for the fallout for them. GULP. Needing to approach them in solid new ways. GULP.  Her words cut through me, more reality that I am not as prepared as I think. Though reality is not always gentle nor kind. It is through reality our true self emerges…as much as I feel prepared, a stronger individual, I must continue gulping for there is still so much to learn….

Words are spoken, meaningless until one’s formidable spirit awakens, follows a path with diligence, hope and tenacity. Let the gulps continue, each swallow, a bit more at ease. Mindfulness proves unworthy if not acted upon with care and consistency. I thanked the therapist, her words spoke to me as if I’ve never heard them before. The impact great, big gulps and all. 

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About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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