Divorce. It’s just so very…..real. One talks, questions, ponders its consequences, imagines resolution.
Reality far surpasses the assumptions of what divorce will actually feel like.
On paper, columns neatly lined upon spread sheets, legal terms part of daily lexicon. Conversely, nothing quite prepares one for what divorce feels like. And in my case, not yet final, I find myself in constant turmoil, an evolution of such epic proportions, my mind can not fathom what the end of this journey will look like, only to grasp whatever energy I’m able to get through today, tomorrow, the day after that.
Time has passed long enough to understand – recognize I am more at peace living without him than the former. No longer questioning if I should leave my marriage, my conviction in place, my decision rarely wavering. Now at the edge of discovery, my new normal as an almost middle-aged single divorcee unfolds daily.
Days are seemingly normal for a time. I go about my life, my new-normal, most of the time in stride. Without warning, I catch my breath, a slight panic ensues and I am reminded I am in the thrush of tremendous change. It is these times I realize my own reality again and again. For during this experience, not much feels normal as it did before.
People tell me it will be better, I will find normalcy once again, albeit different, of course. For now, this moment, I grasp on to what I know more than what I don’t. I know life will never be as it once was. Normalcy will be redefined, reinvented…and thereto, shall I breathe again anew.