Slowly, deliberately, gradually, suddenly, house stripped of familiarity, each day, moving closer to closure; a house, a dissolved marriage and soon enough, the discovery of a new normal. What that looks like I do not know. What’s certain is I am not the same person I was one year ago.
My affairs, all of them profound. Not merely throw-away relationships, each provided their own significance, what is now understood: a lifeline to breathe. Even within my compulsive behavior, unsettled, restlessness of last year, today I am breathing…on my own, learning to do so without apology, shame, validation, dishonesty. I am not proud of my affairs. I am proud of what was learned from such experience; to share with others, to accept its consequences, to forgive oneself.
There are days where I truly can not believe my life – this is my life. Right now. Today. How did I get here? Not only am I not in Kansas anymore, that yellow brick road continues to elude me, once predictable, the path, not always indicative of the future or what one expects. Once a loving, supportive wife and mother, an unconventional housewife striving for convention, questioning what that was supposed to look like, how it should feel.
Tomorrow I shall awaken. Another day. Another opportunity to live. Another chance to breathe. I will take hold. I will survive. I will survive. As long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive. I’ve got all my life to live and I’ve got all my love to give. I’ll survive. I will survive. Hey, hey…..