Problem is, there is no such thing as just-happened. Impending divorces don’t just happen. Affairs don’t just happen. Life happens, this I am sure of. It is what we do within this life we live, what we make happen, happen. I believe the operative word here is happen. You get my point.
As I sit in a room, other than the one I’ve shared with H many years, pondering our past, present day and future, it comes to mind that yes, grief is inevitable when loss occurs. Losing my mom, devastating on many levels, this loss, the loss of a 26 year marriage, loss of a family that once was so intact, loss of a friendship with a man I still adore (most days), loss of identity of sorts; a husband, a wife, we will no longer be.
He wants answers I can not give. My children, the light of my life, look at me as if I am a distant someone they once knew, not quite sure what to do with their unwanted dysfunctional family. And that is truly how it feels: dysfunctional. Have I created this dysfunction? How much of it is me? I thought – think I am a good mom, that my kids would always love me no matter what. How ignorant of me, to think I am somehow expendable, even to my offspring? I am human. I am fallible. As are they, as is everyone. This disconnect with my girls, the pain, so visceral, I’m afraid if I get too close to it, I may never return to myself.
When my parents divorced, at twelve-years-old, I knew then that whatever happened in the future, my mom would always be there for my brother and I. I just knew it. As much of a pain-in-the-ass I was during those hormonal teenage years, my worst days, mom and I still managed some sort of dialogue. Despising washing a dish, fork or glass of any kind, I would zip to the kitchen faster than a sane person should be allowed to run in a small apartment, when I heard her come up those stairs. “Oh, hi, Mom! Finally getting around to doing these dishes!” To which her usual reply, Jersey accent and all, “Honey, you’d rather die than do a dish”. And thus, me, as a mother, I find myself, unable to connect with the two most important people in my life. What the hell just happened?
A lot. More than any of us realize. At least today. That will change as time moves along. Time is a gift of providing insight we otherwise may never discover. For now, I must begin to make things happen in my life. History is only significant if one learns from it. History already happened. Time to make the future do the same.