Defined by Infidelity. Or Not.

Day 1 of co-therapy.

Strange, unnerving, helpful, realistic. These are the feelings which enveloped my entire being when H recounted what’s transpired over the last 5 months; each tale, specific dates, particular places, all as if it happened yesterday or perhaps a lifetime ago.

After our session, like other times in recent months, I feel I am defined by my behavior. Infidelity is in me for I have been unfaithful. As H recounted, with precision, his words flowing effortlessly, as if he’s told the same story for years. I’m glad to hear the story. Again and again. His version. Each time it enters my brain, seeps into my soul and I am again, determined to learn who I am, why I behave in such ways.

At the end of our session, most of it H and I explaining our reasons for being there, I cried. Looking at the man sitting next to me, his loyalty, to me, this marriage, not fully understanding what he wants, and all I want to do is say “I’m so, so, so very sorry for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused you”. And I continue doing so.

Am I only about being an adulteress? Certainly not. Certainly there are good things about myself, far more significant than this one behavior. Yet it is the ONE behavior I crave to know more about. And I will.


About Carin

Writing is for me, though sharing with others, is a gift.

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