Today I saw H therapist. Turns out, really like the guy. A bit more formal than my own therapist, he struck me as an attentive listener who read me rather well. So well, in fact, at one point during the hour, he mentioned my EMAs were, perhaps, a “lifeline” for me of sorts. Knowing exactly what he meant, a definite “ah-ha” moment ensued. They were most definitely a lifeline during a time when I felt desperate. For what that is, remains to be discovered. Addiction? No doubt, at least initially. I was an obsessed woman, looking for SOMETHING to make me feel, what, alive? Real? Loved?
That’s the thing about affairs. They can be addicting. What I still don’t understand is the difference between loving someone verses actually being addicted to a person. Yes, loving is easy, grand, powerful. And affairs are the quintessential experience of what romantic love is. I question not if I have intimacy issues (duh) rather, what kind, how deep those intimacy issues remain. It is during two of my EMAs, I felt more comfortable with intimacy, myself and the relating to another human being, I’ve yet to attain in the same vein as with my H.
For now, I believe he and I are moving toward a committed attempt to move forward. Now with no contact continuing, this time I’m able to focus on myself, make sense of what it all means and gain more clarity of what I want. That said, I feel as if I can’t commit to anything long-term. It is my hope that within a few short months, I’ll have learned more, accepted what is and become a better and stronger individual than ever. As the dude said today, “whatever happens in the future, what we learn about ourselves today, we get to keep”. That’s a gift.